| T O P I C R E V I E W |
| PJK |
Posted - 11/29/2003 : 6:19:52 PM
I don't know why, but I kind of expected a tale from Jay about his Thanksgiving experience. I passed some kids fishing on the way to my folk's place on Thanksgiving and thought about you Jay!
We also passed four horse and buggies on the way home. One thing about driving in the heart of Amish country is you have to watch out for those buggies! |
| 6 L A T E S T R E P L I E S (Newest First) |
| Jay |
Posted - 12/03/2003 : 3:54:40 PM
Glad you found it funny! I find it terrifying...I guess I should also mention to you guys that my crazy grandma was almost not going to come to dinner because of her "virus..." She gets one for EVERY holiday. It's not as bad as my cool sister-in-law's mother...She has a stroke (which she somehow doesn't need to go to the hospital for) around mother's day...every year. 14 strokes and counting. I'm not making that up. She also thinks that I am Lucifer. I should also mention that, although I was expecting this...There was NO 500 dollar offer to shave my head...I should also mention that if there was, I wouldn't have taken it. I was thinking about doing it right after the wedding from Hell, but I didn't on account of the fact that I didn't want to piss them off. Kill em with kindness, I guess. My cousin broke up with her cop boyfriend...he was pretty cool. He was enormous, and really funny. I miss him a lot. He was the only one I could complain too. Also, I should mention that the day after Thanksgiving I went to Abe's mom's...She's the nuts one, and, amaazingly, she was extremely nice. She must be hatching a plan. So I'm tired and sick, today sucked. My computor is fixed, and that is a good thing, as Martha Stewart would say. |
| Silky The Pimp |
Posted - 12/01/2003 : 11:51:02 AM
quote:
If I shit my pants, it's nasty and disgusting. If a baby does it, it's a funny story to tell at dinner, and that makes me jelous.
I can't tell you how hard that had me laughing. |
| Arthen |
Posted - 11/30/2003 : 4:15:58 PM
If you are ever in a car accident, where someone hits you, shit your pants and it's worth $5000 due to public humiliation. If you piss yourself it's worth $1000. |
| PJK |
Posted - 11/30/2003 : 2:27:25 PM
Yes, Jay, you didn't let me down! Sorry about the babies. I never saw anything cute about my babies poop, but hey, whatever turns them on.
I used to tell my kids that the reason babies are so cute is so the parents fall in love with them so when they grow up and do something dumb, the love will still be there!
I don't care what that dumb English teacher of yours said, I still love reading your stories! Thanks!
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| genome |
Posted - 11/30/2003 : 1:41:30 PM
by far the best you've relayed to us |
| Jay |
Posted - 11/30/2003 : 1:17:40 PM
I know what your saying about the buggies, man...Me and you understand that...we're in Amish country...There's a town just south of me that is about 50% Amish...I had an Amish plumber come to my house once, and, oddly enough, his name was Noah.
Thanksgiving is the same for me every year, that is to say it sucks. Wake up, take a shower, help mom cook vegetables...Then off to my Aunt's house for six hours of pure family horror.
It used to be that everyone around the "birthing" age just talked about babies...Now, everyone HAS babies and they still can't stop talking about them. Two of my cousins, plus my sister-in-law (the cool one) have new babies to show us the turds of. Its not that I don't like babies, its just that I can only stand so many "It was SOOO cute!" stories before I begin to wonder why no one tells stories like that about me. If I shit my pants, it's nasty and disgusting. If a baby does it, it's a funny story to tell at dinner, and that makes me jelous. So anyway, it's really neat how all three of these babies were born a month apart from each other, June July and August. So we had all three of them attending the Wiegand's annual Thanksgiving Complain-about-everything-athon and figured that it would make a perfect photo oppurtuninty. So I was delegated to arrange the babies in a way that would make the picture "cute." I was stripped of my duties almost instantly when I suggested that little Cameron should NOT be naked.
Having been kicked out of the room for being "Too...Gloomy, or somthing," I tiredly marched out to the family room and waited for dinner. Eat, eat, eat, pass the salt'n'pepper, gravy needs salt, how are the sweet potatoes, turkey's a little dry...Thanksgiving dinner with my family is just a bunch of people complaining about the food. We can't be pleased. I usually find a place in the middle of the table...we have to have three or four tables lined up to fit everyone in...I sit in the middle for one reason, and that is so that I can avoid having the yuppie crowd off on one end harass me for having long hair, while also avoiding the depressing "old" crowd on the other side harassing me for having long hair. So I sit right in the middle, with some cousins close to my age, where the only topics are my hair and how long I've been growing it and why I don't have a girlfriend. I usually just tell them that I have "An anatomy problem" that I'd rather not discuss and let them figure it out. But dinner only last about 20 minutes because, you guess it! FOOTBALL! This is the perfect oppurtunity for me to shake a little wine out of Uncle Flavio and chill out on the couch for three and a half hours.
But of course, on the couch, is crazy grandma, and she wants to tell me how good I look. She also wants to tell me about how she was attacked by bees and about the virus she contracted from the dirty air filter this "Colored man" installed in her apartment. Then we talk about school, and she tells me that I need to watch out for those "coloreds."
After the grandma thing, I'm stuck shovelling M&Ms down my throat like there's no tomorrow and talking to anyone who'll listen about whatever the hell THEY want to talk about. This is usually babies. Then I have to explain to them that, yes, I do like babies. Even naked ones. No, I don't know why they kicked me out of the room. The babies were probably frightened of me. Yes, Wendy, I know that he was hot and that's why he was naked, yes, yes YES! But still, i just thought it'd be better if he wasn't naked. Yes, I know it's natural, but then why aren't we naked? I think I'd be cute naked...
Then it's time to badger someone into taking me home. This first round is answered with a resounding "Not yet, just a little longer...let me take a nap." So I resort to playing video games with my eight year old cousin. There is a certain set of rules one must follow when playing video games with an eight year old:
1: Don't ask them how to play, they don't know either.
2: Even if you are more agile than them, they know cheat codes.
And finaly
3: Let them win for Christ's sake! or risk having them latch on to your leg an not let go until you apologize.
I didn't know the last rule and spent about fifteen minutes dragging fifty pounds of bratty girl all over the house. This activity, of course, was in danger of waking the babies (none of which were sleeping...but the parents wanted them to be sleeping so they could go out and smoke.) So I was again banished, this time from the hallway leading up to the babies' room.
The remaining time was spent pilfering sugar cubes from the kitchen. My activities were spotted by a few alert relatives, who immediately grabbed a few out of the box and ate them with me...I guess they were waiting for someone else to start the sugar-eating parade. Pretty soon we were the Domino company's biggest customers.
So, foaming at the mouth and ready to climb up the side of the house for no reason at all, I was told to get the folding chairs in the car cause we were getting the hell outa there. And we did...
I hope I don't sound too Anti-baby. I love babies. I just don't see what's so damn cute about them defecating on themselves. Plus, after years and years of hearing nothing but baby talk, and then actually having babies around to spawn MORE baby talk makes you a little sick of the whole deal.
I hope everyone had a nice Thanksgiving...I wish I coulda gone steelhead fishing Thanksgiving morning like I always do, but alas I didn't. Be careful around Amish buggies, they bite. |
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